Pregnancy
4.12.2007
As many of you know I am NOT pregnant, nor do I want to be anytime soon. In fact, that is one part of life I would like to skip completely from now on. However, I feel like there is another little person that needs to be added to our family. I feel guilty because I do not let myself get pregnant, and there are so many people who cannot get pregnant and would give anything to be able to do it.
I hate the person that I turn into for six month before the baby is due and a year after. I love the kid. I think he is amazing. I don't trust myself to be ok with a baby that I make. I understand the thoughts that go through extreme post-partum mothers, I do not excuse it, but I empathize. I have had awful thoughts before, I don't want to expound. It makes me feel awful.
I think if a baby was given to me now, in my current state of mind, I would be fine. We could all be happy. I would not have to have someone come and check on me everyday. I would not have to abandoned my children at the neighbors while I try to figure out how to escape my life. If I was given a child today I would adapt, I would love it. I would not go crazy.
While I was pregnant with Gentry I tried to escape. I would lie in the tub all day long, crying and trying to figure out what jj was going to do with an infant and without me. I was not going to kill myself, just leave. When it got to be 4 in the afternoon I would get out of the tub and put myself together and pretend I had been productive.
I did not tell jj about all this until about a year after. I was so ashamed. I should have been on some sort of medication and next time I will do it better. If there ever is a next time of being pregnant.
The more I think about it, the more I think I want to adopt. I don't know if we ever will, maybe medication would do the trick. I am not yet ready to try. I like our life the way it is now and I still remember the pain that I felt from having a baby. Not the physical pain, but the pain of being sad and anxious.
I hate the person that I turn into for six month before the baby is due and a year after. I love the kid. I think he is amazing. I don't trust myself to be ok with a baby that I make. I understand the thoughts that go through extreme post-partum mothers, I do not excuse it, but I empathize. I have had awful thoughts before, I don't want to expound. It makes me feel awful.
I think if a baby was given to me now, in my current state of mind, I would be fine. We could all be happy. I would not have to have someone come and check on me everyday. I would not have to abandoned my children at the neighbors while I try to figure out how to escape my life. If I was given a child today I would adapt, I would love it. I would not go crazy.
While I was pregnant with Gentry I tried to escape. I would lie in the tub all day long, crying and trying to figure out what jj was going to do with an infant and without me. I was not going to kill myself, just leave. When it got to be 4 in the afternoon I would get out of the tub and put myself together and pretend I had been productive.
I did not tell jj about all this until about a year after. I was so ashamed. I should have been on some sort of medication and next time I will do it better. If there ever is a next time of being pregnant.
The more I think about it, the more I think I want to adopt. I don't know if we ever will, maybe medication would do the trick. I am not yet ready to try. I like our life the way it is now and I still remember the pain that I felt from having a baby. Not the physical pain, but the pain of being sad and anxious.
Labels: One Day
This entry was posted
on 4.12.2007 at 4:39 PM.
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4/12/2007 7:14 PM
As usual I admire the honesty you present in your writings. I had so much anxiety after Micaela was born. It has definately decreased, but it has also spread into other areas of my life. I truly believe that being a mother is such a huge responsibilty, after all a child's life is in our hands. How can we not be anxious or overwhelmed? It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I think you are brave and insightful for recognizing and expressing your emotions.